1: 2K18

1

Semangat itu ada. Bagai api kecil di batang mancis. Nyalanya nyata, panasnya bisa, tetapi tidak membara. Penghalang setiap kejayaan adalah si TAKUT GAGAL dan si BODOH SOMBONG. Tidak ke mana-mana jika masih tertawan dengan dua beradik itu. Dalam kepala sudah ada cerita, zahirkan sahaja cerita itu di layar hidup. Usah digebang merata, jika semangat masih sekecil api di batang mancis. Bukan semua telinga dibuat daripada emas, ada yang besi berkarat lagi mengaratkan. Carilah telinga emas yang bukan sahaja mendengar cerita, tetapi memberi nilai kepada ceritamu. Telinga emas yang mampu empati.

2

Aku pencinta setia yang bercinta dengan Sang Penguji. Cinta Penguji mengajar setiap neuron otakku pengalaman. Cinta Penguji mencabar intelektual, menggegar iman. Memberi makna baru kepada Harapan, Seiring Sejalan dan Kesabaran. Cinta yang benar tiada pengakhiran, hanya perjalanan menuju Keabadian. Dalam perjalanan ranjau tidak terkira, mencari berkat Yang Maha Esa. Semoga bertemu keabadian cintaku dalam keberkatanNya sebelum aku menutup mata.

Catching up for lost times...sort of...

Dah lama tak buka blog sendiri. Sekarang ni kan zaman Facebook, Twitter dan Instagram.... dan macam-macam lagi seperti Snapchat, Facetime, Telegram, Wechat tapi bagi aku, aku hanya pengguna tegar fb dan insta sahaja. Lebih luas capaian, lebih popular, lebih mesra pengguna, lebih cepat dapat response, lebih banyak kemudahan dan banyak lagi kelebihan. Blog ni orang dah tak pandang (tu kata aku...). Tiba-tiba teringat pulak kat blog sendiri dan rindu pula nak menulis. Tapi sekarang ni, nak menulis dah semakin susah jadinya. Baru taip sepatah dua ayat, terus otak jadi 'blank' ... writer's block kata aku... Entah kenapa..kalau dulu-dulu tu, suka benor menulis, mudah je keluar ayat-ayat tu walaupun kadang-kadang topiknya entah apa apa... Bila baca hasil tulisan dulu-dulu tu, ada yang aku nak tergelak, ada yang aku rasa macam nak 'delete', ada yang aku kagum...eh, riak pulak ... macam-macam. Inilah fasa kehidupan, zaman yang berubah, dari belajar, bekerja, bercinta, putus cinta, perubahan tanggungjawab dan komitmen...semua tu jadi faktor. Lokasi pun berubah-ubah, 'habit' berubah, minat berubah.

Apapun blog ku ini, walaupun bukannya femes macam blog orang lain, isi pun cerita hal sendiri je, aku masih sayang. Walaupun pembacanya hanya aku sorang sekalipun, buat masa ni, biarlah dia di alam maya ini. Mana tahu, minat menulis akan kembali pada diri ini. Sekian.

the new year dilemma

Esok dah nak keje balik. Blank. Blur. Selepas 5 hari bersuka ria tak buat apa-apa. Truth be told I'm not that excited to go back to work. I know it's not a good feeling but I can't do anything about it. I can't tell my heart to not feel what I'm feeling. My job is good. I am good. I'm not sure why I always find it difficult to insert happiness in that job + I equation. There's a few things in my new year resolution, and when I read 'em back, none of 'em include anything about work. Yeah, in my heart I know that I want to do my job better this year but that's just because I know it is something expected of me by my boss and my colleagues. I know I can't just slack myself intentionally because it will affect my colleagues, our tasks are connected with each other. To get the job done, everyone has to do their part. That I know and understand good enough.

In my new year resolutions, there's no major or 'operation-change-the-world' kind of thing. They are just small things that I want to do and I want to improve in my life. Start small but it's all workable. It's a working process. I didn't make any new year resolution last year and anything before that had probably been wiped clean from the thrash bin folder of my mind. So let's start anew. 

People expects that after a decade, I would've probably be in a safe and stable condition but honestly, I don't think I am. I know where am I at this stage and I am not quite happy about it. What has passed is passed and there's nothing I can do about it. But I can surely do something about the future. And to do something about the future is to act now. The present time.

Phases in your life, it keeps changing. In my life I have found something, I have kept something, I have discarded something, I have wasted something, I have treasured something, and I have learned a lot of things. But there's more to be found, to be kept, to be discarded, to not be wasted, to be treasured and to be learned.

I met so many things that I hate but I have to tell myself that not everything that I hate is bad for me. I found things that I love but I am reminded that not everything I love is good for me. I experienced bad and good things and I know that both have taught me new lessons.

I have a physical diary that I write on almost everyday, I also write in my Facebook yet today I am compelled to write in this blog of mine that I haven't touched since many many months ago. These things also have their own phases.... or trends, as we know it. There was the time where blogging is the 'in' thing. Then we just felt lazy to write so many things, we then just put out a line or a few words in our Facebook to tell people what we feel. Then we just too lazy to write anything at all, we only put pictures in Instagram.

I don't want to say that I'm going to do this and that. When I want to do it, I'll do it. Of course, I do plan things, but I'd rather keep some at the back of my mind and when opportunity to do it arrives or whenever it feels right, I'll do it.

About my attitude towards my job, that is something I need to dwell upon. We don't always get what we want. Sometimes we just have to grab or accept the next best thing, and hope that one day, we will get what really make us happy. For the time being, my sanity and my belief in 'keberkatan' are the things that make me stay on the track. But, having no passion is definitely going to affect me in the aspects of searching and learning and becoming better at what I am expected to do.

Perhaps if certain people get tired of me, will they see what they are supposed to see? Or am I the one who are blind of my true potential?

2014

2014 is quite a different year than all the years I have lived, thank you Allah swt for still allowing me to breath and live until today. And yes, it's October, still a couple more months to go through this year, in shaa Allah ...

So, what happened in 2014?

a. It's no brainer, I got older. And I started to feel old .... but not old as makcik-makcik lah!

b. I started to feel busy with work. This is a continuation from the end of last year, where I started to have lots of outstation trips.

c. My second brother passed away in February. Al-Fatihah.

d. My first brother finally got married. Yes, there's a reason on the emphasis of the word 'finally'.

e. I got reunited with some primary school friends, after more than 2 decades of not in contact.

f. I got fatter than last year. Bummer!

g. I have lived in Sabah for almost 3 years 'only' and getting myself transferred back to the peninsula soon.

h. I have been in this long-distance-relationship for almost 6 years now, and .... still going on ... huu ...

Honestly, I haven't achieved all that I wanted to achieve by the age of 30. And I haven't been the person I would like to be, the better version of me. It's still a long way to go. Sometimes I feel clueless. But I feel braver and more positive now than before, I guess that's what aging do to my mind. I am strong. I will not break down. Allah will always be with me.

comeback

Perkara paling biasa orang buat bila dia dah lama tak menulis dalam blog dia pastu tiba-tiba mula nak tulis balik adalah .... menulis bahawa betapa lama dia tak menulis dalam blog dia dan sekarang dia nak mula balik, hahaha!

Dan, worst case scenario adalah lepas tulis macam tu, blog dia terabai lagi buat beberapa zaman pastu bila dia rasa nak menulis balik, sekali lagi dia tulis benda yang sama ... haha ...

Well, motif aku memang itulah ... nak cakap yang aktiviti menulis aku sekarang ni dah semakin berkurangan. Bila aku fikirkan balik apa sebab dia, sibukkah aku? Tak jugak, walaupun begitu memang ada masa-masanya memang aku sibuk, tapi bukannya aku tak ada masa free langsung. Dah tak berminatkah aku? Tak jugak, walaupun aku selalu je 'bermimpi' nak menulis tapi tak tulis-tulis jugak. Bukannya aku tak menjenguk blog aku langsung, adaaa .... tapi ada la beberapa kes, sudah aku tulis beberapa ayat tetapi akhirnya delete balik sebab rasa tak kena, tak jujur dan tak terfikir apa-apa ... writer's block la lebih kurang. Tapi yang nyatanya, aku tak ada INSPIRASI.

Hidup ini dah seakan menjadi satu garisan monotone yang membosankan. 

Apapun, ini tidak boleh dibiarkan. Jangan biarkan kebosanan meracuni cara kita menjalani kehidupan kita. Inspirasi harus dicari. Ia nadi hidup, ia membuatkan jantung kita berdegup untuk sesuatu makna. Apakah aku akan konsisten menulis selepas ini? Aku tidak tahu. Tapi yang pasti, aku harus sentiasa cuba mengasah minda ku yang terasa sejak akhir-akhirnya semakin kelu dan tumpul.

So, yes ... congratulations to myself for able to post this one up! Sebelum itu, aku dah tukar URL blog ni daripada 2010rantings.blogspot.com kepada dreamermuse.blogspot.com. Namun lepas menggodek-godek setting, aku dapati aku dah hilang senarai blog-blog kawan-kawan yang aku ikuti sebelum ini. Dah satu kerja nak cari balik dan list balik. Ok, takpelah ... pelan-pelan mula balik.

So again, .... congratulations to myself!

remembering my brother

In two weeks time, it will be 3 months since the passing away of my second brother. It occurred to me today that I have not really analysed my feelings about it. I mean, about his demise, about him being no longer in this world. I do not know how deep it has affected my other family members. We were saddened by it, of course, but I couldn't fathom what's going on in the minds of my parents, my siblings and my nephews. I thought, I would be fine and I would get over it easily. We weren't so close as anybody would think siblings should be. So many things had happened in his life that made it difficult sometimes to be close. But the fact that there's the feeling of sadness and tears brimming in my eyes every time I think of him shows that this brother-sister emotional connection would always be in here, in my heart. No matter how distant we were before.

The sadness I have for his death is as deep as the sadness I have for his life. Thinking about him now, there's always reflections of his life and I really wished that it was a happier one. He's gone before he could see his kids being successful in life. He's gone before he could get a strong foothold in life. He didn't leave much material things, but what he did leave are the lessons in life.

I don't have a lot of memories with him but very few ones from my childhood. With the age difference of 14 years, we were pretty much in different leagues. When I was still a little girl dwelling with schools and homeworks, he was already married and raising children (he got married young). I was such a cry baby. I remembered one day I was crying alone in my room for reasons that I don't remember any more (but I'm sure it was just a petty thing) and he had comforted me. Other than that there's nothing else and what's left are the old photographs that recorded the happy moments that I could no longer remember.

He was a kind and gentle person. But bad things could happen to a person indiscriminately. Those are all in the will of Allah swt for all the right reasons and for us to ponder. How we choose to live also affects the lives of the others around us. I know that my mother knows a lot more. Because he was her son and a mom could never stop caring for her children no matter how they were. Mom was his confidante. And mom had cared for him since the day he fell ill and bedridden until the last of his breath. And even now, mom still talks about him, about his favourite drinks, about his caring nature for cats, about this and about that .... I understand it. It's not that she can't accept the fact, but because a mother can never forget her son, and that she would always want to keep the fond memories of her son.

Maybe I am still grieving inside, but no one can see. My brother's business with this world has ended, and it chills my bones to think of what will happen afterwards, for we do not know whether we will be ready when it is our time to go....

Angah, I wish your sons could learn the lessons you left with your life ...

AlFatihah 

day 104

I am like a broken typewriter. Or like a wizard who is losing his magical touch. I wrote and wrote but nothing came through. Nothing is finished, nothing is realized.

I haven't completed a single article or journal since the last one since a few months ago. Since then, a lot of things happened. Sad and happy things. Well, mostly sad things.

During those events, I revisited my memories and innermost feelings. It's like opening up a 'hurt locker'. God knows whatever that has been stored there all these years.

I wonder if there is a difference between a fighter and a survivor.... Sometimes I think a fighter IS a survivor, but a survivor does not necessarily means he's a fighter.

When things go south, and somehow .... many things go south these days, I always broke down and cried. But afterwards I would stand up again, but without a smile. It's like adding one layer of bubble wrappers after another around a fragile package, that keeps bursting and popping when pressured.

Finding the answers, and keeping the faith intact is a lifelong quest. And so it is with fighting demons inside the soul.

And where have I gone so far?

the most dangerous poison is idle time

the most dangerous poison is idle time

and too much entertainment

the most important vitamin is MOTIVATION

to set up OBJECTIVES in life

the most difficult trait to acquire

is sometimes the WILLPOWER

the hardest way to CHANGE

is actually the easiest thing to do

but without motivation, objectives and willpower ...

without ENLIGHTENMENT

change will forever be the trickiest thing to realize

Chin up!

CHIN UP!

"Chin up!" was one of the popular phrases when I was in secondary school. Specifically for us 'bandgirls' aka the members of the school's marching band. It's what I was being told by my seniors during my junior years, and it's also what I told my juniors when I was their senior.

Chin up, girl. Don't let your head down. Chin up when you bask in the glory of the glaring sun in the middle of the field coz we have to look proud and smart standing in our reds and blues.

When you feel that your self-esteem is degrading, chin up!

When you feel people mock you for your lack of ability, chin up!

When you feel bullied by people who think that they are better than you, chin up!

Don't ever wallow in self-pity and let them get the better of you. Do not let the negative things catch up on you and anchored you to the bottom of the ocean. Sometimes, certain things might not work out for you, it's inevitable but you can never let it affect you so much. Because you still have a full life ahead to live.

Chin up, go forward and never look back.  

merdeka di tawau

Normally on every August 31st, I would be glued to the TV for almost the whole morning, watching the live telecast of the Merdeka Day parade in KL. It's a must because it's a very important day in the country's history and I looove parades. Last year, I made it to Dataran Merdeka on the day itself for my first time experience of the live event (and I've blogged about it in here). This year, I just stayed home in my base and decided to see how the Tawauians celebrate this M-Day.

The Dataran MPT

Unfortunately I arrived an hour late, and the parade has just finished  :( . So I stayed on to see what was in store for the rest. The location, the square in front of Majlis Perbandaran Tawau, where in any other day is just a big parking space. I wondered why they didn't do this in the big Tawau Sports Complex.

As in any M-Day celebration, there are always .....

the flag bearers ....

the marching band ....

the VIPs ...

and the Merdeka oath ...

uniformed and security agencies ...

the people ...

Another thing I enjoyed other than parades and marches is military tattoo. The following photos are some of the silent march tattoo from the navy youngsters. It was a small scale one but still entertaining.

Ok, that's it for my M-Day report from Tawau. Wondering where will I be next year, in shaa Allah if I am still around .... Perhaps I should see in other places. Till then. To my country I wish you Happy 56th year of independence.

it's all about trust

My Facebook status updating behaviour is a combination of many things. One of them is venting. And sometimes I vent on a certain topic more than once. One of that is TRUST.

For me, and I am sure it is the same for all of you sensible and mature folks out there, trust is like a china glass. It is so precious and fragile that you wanna hold it with so much care and gentleness. Coz you know, once you let it slipped off your hands, it will fall down and crash and it can never be the same again.

That is how all of us should treat trust. Not just be cautious in trusting other people but also be a trustworthy person yourself. Trust is a major thing in building relationships with your life companion, family, friends, and co-workers. Of course you expect more on spouses and immediate family members. When trust is gone, who is going to back you up when you really need the support? Who will believe you?

Throughout our life we can been hurt because of many things. Some of those pain can be forgotten, can be forgiven, can be mend ... and that's what we should do. But the pain that's caused by  violated trust  by someone that is close to us by blood is something that is very hard to be digested by our mind. It is something that would still linger at the back of our minds even though it has passed on for some time.

*********

I have trusted you coz you are my family. But every time all you did is break it. You gave lots of promises but you never keep it. Don't promise something if you are going to break it later. What more can I do, when you have drained it all, my love, my affections, my hopes for you to become better, my money, my trust? You know what's right but you chose to be weak. You know you've messed up a lot, but you never learn from your mistakes, you never step up to win the big breaks. Instead of making your past mistakes as your drive to success, you chose to whine and wail over them like bad music. Throughout your life, you have been given so many second chances, yet you failed to appreciate any of them, always landing yourself in trouble.

But the most heart-broken thing for me that you are still doing... is you turn your back to Allah... if you ever wonder why everything and everyone seems like failing you, it is because you have failed yourself. All that I have left, is my prayers. You are an adult, no more a child. Your parents have failed you when you are in need of love and guidance, but you have other family members who have helped you and advised you a lot all these times. Why can't you appreciate?

My prayers for you is about everything....be strong and cut the crap once and for all.

Miss Simplicity

There are some things in my life that I like to be perfect by my own standards or up to the quality that I wanted. But for most of the other things, I don't mind being simple. I like to be simple for things that need to be simple. Over the years, especially the years of growing up, I might have made some mistakes in choosing what I need. But as I grow older, I learn more.

Being simple in your life has connections with good prioritizing. And after all of the complexities that we have to deal with in our marriage, our work, and the various systems that we are involved in, it's better to cut down the stress level on other things that we can manage to be simple.

The idea of simple can be translated in many ways. For a woman like me who doesn't care much for high-end fashion, it doesn't matter not having tudung Fareeda or Ariani to cover my hair as long as the affordable ones that I wear can cover what it's supposed to be covering. For Hari Raya self-preparation, it doesn't matter to me that I don't buy new clothes, new shoes and new scarves for myself, as long as I can spend my money on something more deserving such as my mom's needs and home supplies. And if I have kids of my own, I would spend it on my kids in a way that I can also teach them the value of money.

Being simple is not the same as being a cheapskate. That's two different things. It is something that I am always teaching and reminding myself. In the financial aspect, if we have limited resources, we have to manage it well so that we won't be landing in great debts. If our resources are abundant, we still have to manage it well so that we can help others more. Sometimes when we have more, we can invest on something good that can last long. Just for example, if we spent it on a pair of shoes, let them be a pair of shoes that we can wear for at least the next Hari Raya. 

Outside of the financial aspect, being simple is just being who you are, being comfortable, being moderate and being able to concentrate your time and mind to other important things in your life. In the end, if your personal taste is in good harmony with the average thickness of your wallet, then it is no problem to lead a simple life.

stepping stones

..... sometimes i think that i am the kind of person who gets bored easily. after doing the same thing for some time, or after being at the same place for some time, i would always wish for something different or something new. i would welcome new changes. i would wish for doing different things, being at different places, meeting different people. i'm not sure whether it's because i am nomadic by nature or .... maybe i haven't found the things that i'm meant to be. maybe i haven't found the things that would plant me to the ground and start "growing hedges around my lawn" rather than keeping everything "portable and open".

..... so far, in the 8 years of my career, i have moved around about 5 times. all of them just happened almost effortlessly, they weren't really my choices, they were just .... how should i say it....., the needs of the service. and when it happened, there were no reasons for me to object or deny them. so, i'm kinda "go with the flow" here. along the way, i met many kinds of people, had many kinds of moments - memorable and embarrassing ones, all included. i had my experiences and from that, i know that i don't want to be in some situations ever again, and some .... i wish i could relive it again and again, and every time i relive it,  i want to make it better.

but, what has passed would stay in the past. right now, i am reaching the second year of the latest 'move', and i am already feeling 'itchy' to leave. however, i have a feeling that i might have to stay here a bit longer than i expected. it's a darn large stone to step on. maybe my next move will be of my own choice and will be under my control. and someday i will find that fertile ground where i can grow my beautiful hedges.

the war inside

 

We are always in constant battle with our own self. We have a lot of inner demons to fight. There are some days that we won, but there's also some days that we lost. We have to check and re-check again our iman, our morals, our self-control in order to not lose so much, so frequent. Or we'll lost ourselves. What's important is self-realization. If we always keep in mind about how good or bad we are each day, we will always make an effort to improve. We are humans, so as long as we are still breathing, we are all exposed to the attractions of lust and excessive desire.

 

The key to do this successfully is to do it slowly, bit by bit, but continuously. We can't just do a little and stop, or we'll never get pass that transformation gauge level. Try to leave the source of our lust and desires bit by bit, and exchange it with positive materials. Don't ever let your mind be idle, fill the void with the positive things. And the most important thing is never let our prayer down. Always keeping it up, and hot, and continuous. Keep our relationship with Allah swt warm, if we never forget Him, He will never forget us.

 

An insight to ponder on, if we are a good person, we will always feel bad and guilty if we realize that we have made a mistake. So, if we are still able to feel that guilt, we still have our iman close to our heart but it really need to be revved up. The problem is when we don't feel any guilt or worry or something amiss when we leave our responsibility as a Muslim. Then we won't realize our mistakes.

 

Every day is a battle day. And this piece of writing is an effort of self-motivation to remind ourself to keep fighting, for whatever wins or losses that we get each day, we will bring them all with us, after we stop breathing, that's when it all stop.

 



randomly speaking ... diary

I was once a diarist, I mean, a person who keeps and writes in a diary. I started keeping diaries since my pre-teen years. This conservative diarist wrote everything that happened in her personal life on daily basis in those thick hardcover diaries year by year until she decided that it was enough and stopped. I guess that happened at some time before finishing her first degree. 

 

To me, writing in a diary is a huge emotional matter. Some people might just write chronologies of their day-to-day events or their monetary spending details just for keeping tracks of things. As for me, I wrote my heart out.

 

The things we write in our diaries reflect on who we are as a person and our thinking behaviour. I am not making a study out of this but I think those who keep diaries are sensitive people who thinks too much. But I can't say that people who don't keep diaries are not sensitive and not thinking too much, right? It's not right. So why do some people don't keep diaries?

 

To answer that, I ask myself why did I write before and why I stopped. I guess I have a few reasons for starting to write in diaries. First, I want to let out my feelings and thoughts about things but it's so personal so I can only do it in writing and write it somewhere relatively safe. Second, I like to document things and that include what's going on in my mind. Third, simply because I like reading, hence I like writing. So, maybe some other people do not prefer these ways and opt for a different method.

 

And so, why did I stop doing that? Well, when it's personal, there's happy stuff and sad stuff. Normally we don't get tired reading of happy stuff, do we? Reading back those parts would always make me smile. However, the sad stuff is a different story. After passing some stages in my life, I just thought that keeping sad stories in my life 'sucks'. I didn't want to be reminded of the painful feelings and sad memories anymore. I thought, I should let those parts go far away from my mind. And so I burned them.

 

Burning old diaries. Sounds dramatic to you? Hah, maybe. Can we 'delete' the unwanted parts in our life just by doing that? Of course not. But I did it because of a combination of reasons. First, I didn't want to keep things that I didn't need anymore, in this case, the reminder of unhappy things, but since they were downright personal, I also didn't want any other eyes to see it. Then, as I never stay in one place for too long, transfering thick old personal diaries became quite a fuss. So, with peace in mind, I said goodbye to all those rantings in a small fire at the lawn.

 

Since then, I never write personal stuff 'religiously'. But I guess I can never change who I am. I am that person who like to express things in writing. I found blog. I became more open. With blog I don't just write for myself, but I allow other people to read too. Now it becomes a 'contained' personal stuff, or generalized personal matter. And then it's facebook era. Believe it or not, as much as it is a social media, it is somehow a kind of diary too, depending on how a person use it. I guess I am always a diarist, now with a 'publishing' sense.

 

In the end, I guess whatever I write now, wherever and however I write it, it will be a legacy to someone who matters, someday.

   

amour

 

Last night we had a rather deep conversation about the future. After all these years of knowing each other and having this really long distance relationship, we really need to have this discussion. It was quite tough. I have my hopes and expectations, and so does he. But in the end, we want the same thing. However, there's a lot of things that we have to put up with if we really want to build a family together. Our families, our base, our financial means, and our way of life. In the end, we agreed to take this one step and see how it goes. If both of us can sort things out afterwards, Alhamdulillah. If not, maybe we're not meant for each other, and that will break my heart.

 

Such huge mountains on my shoulders, I don't know if I can withstand. Sometimes I doubt myself , can I pass these hurdles in my life? I have a lot to do to improve myself, to be better. I have a lot of mending to do. Mending and 'repairing' myself to seek His blessings, to ask for His guidance. And I know I can't break down and cry before really trying to succeed.

 

Years ago, I'd never have thought that things will be this way, that I would meet this man and fall in love.

 

All this roller-coaster feelings....because I fall in love.

 

 

it's a long long story ...

The Lahad Datu intrusion by the Kiram's army has been on-going for nearly a month now. I've been following the updates since I first heard about it in mid-February, a couple of days after the first day they were reported landed in Lahad Datu. At first, I wasn't really aware about it and had no idea that it would come to this stage...well, who did? I was even in Felda Sahabat on the 12 Feb. with some colleagues for maintenance work on our system's equipment there. We didn't stay in Felda Sahabat but at Lahad Datu town, and left the town on the 13th, and all that while we didn't hear any related news. However, we did notice a few road blocks on the way, but we had no idea and didn't think much about it as road blocks are quite usual.

The days after that, the news were all about negotiations and the case were still within the Kg. Tanduo-Lahad Datu area. At that stage, I decided to postpone all work activities related to that district area, but still  ... I wasn't really alarmed and I thought it was still alright to go to other places such as Semporna - the place that a friend of mine and I had planned to visit. My friend from KL was going to visit me at the end of February. We were already in Semporna when the news of the Kg. Tanduo's shootout broke. It was on Friday, we spent the whole afternoon in Mabul. It was actually an unplanned decision to catch a boat to Mabul that day as our initial plan was to enjoy the river cruise in Semporna but we were informed on the last minute that it was cancelled. At night, we went out for dinner quite late, around 8.30pm ... and most of the restaurants was closed. Finally we ended up buying KFC for dinner and when the KFC staffs started to prepare for closing shop a couple of hours early than the designated time, I asked one of the staff what's going on. Then and there I heard the news, still unconfirmed, but possible, that there might be some of the intruders already in Semporna, and for security reason they had to close early.

I took note of that info. I sensed that the whole town retired early (except for Giant Hypermarket and a few shops next to it) because of the rumours. No one dared to say it as confirmed, at least not to us that night. Since our pre-booked island trip the next day was still on, I decided we should just proceed with it and see how things would be going on the next day. On the next day, Saturday, our island trip was proceeded as planned, but with a changed location. Initially, the trip was supposed to go to Sibuan Island, but boats were not given clearance to go there as the island is near to Lahad Datu. So, we ended up going to Mabul Island, and the day went on well. We came back to Semporna around 5.00pm and after considering the time (as I didn't want to drive back to Tawau when it's dark), we decided to stay another night in Semporna and take off early the next morning.

That night we took our dinner early, and we noticed that many shops and restaurants that were closed the night before were open. Around 7.00 - 7.30pm, just as we were finishing our last spoonfuls of delicious dinner, we noticed the people around us, mainly the other customers and the restaurant staff were nervously moving around ... again the sense of a shop going to close early... A young woman came to us and told us to hurry up with our dinner as the restaurant is going to close. Apparently, there's news spreading about shots fired at a village about 3 km from where we were sitting. Of course, we didn't hear any gunshots but after hearing that, we did as the woman said and returned to our inn. I checked the updates all night but only the next morning the news were confirmed that there was a shootout between the police and the intruders at Kg. Sri Jaya Simunul. 

Alhamdulillah, we made it back to Tawau safe and sound and I was relieved that I could send my friend back to KL without any untoward incident. Right after that, there's no secret ... we all know what had happened related to the intrusion from that day until today. I'm keeping tabs on the updates, reading related articles and stay put in Tawau and staying calm. Day to day, the security is tight in certain places. I happened to witness the apprehension of suspicious persons by the armed forces one day. Surely everything that needed to be done is being done right now and we can do nothing except supporting our forces with our prayers and have faith in them.

Sad and silent anger. That's how I feel about all this. The decision to make the eastern part of Sabah as the Special Security Area (SSA) is really something that should be done a long time ago, given the fact that this is not the first time the peaceful nature of our country, Sabah specifically, is put to test. Although the details about it is not yet known, I hope that this thing will be executed swiftly and properly. If I were a native Sabahan, I wouldn't want my land to be terrorized and I wouldn't want my family and I to live in fear. And I also don't want to belong to any other country than Malaysia.

Whatever speculation arises, the main thing now is to avoid the immediate threat first. I wish the intruders would surrender and go home. If they are serious and honest with their intentions, they should make their claims using the proper way, not like this, not what they did to our fallen heroes. No one should be 'singled out' this time. My sympathy also to the villagers who have to evacuate their homes, the fishermen who cannot go fishing, the children who cannot go to school. Usually in this country, people live in shelters because of natural disaster like flood, but this time, it's to avoid eating free bullets in a crossfire. After all this end, they will surely need help rebuilding their damaged homes and crops.

When a problem is solved in hostile manners, then no solution will ever be found. There'll only be revenge and retaliation. We are a nation who loves peace. We say war is crime. We don't want this. We cannot live forever in the past, instead, we have to find ways to live harmoniously from present to the future.

To the fallen ones, may them rest in peace. al-Fatihah.

... bukanlah aku seorang manusia

jika aku tidak cemburu
... bukanlah aku seorang manusia

jika aku tidak menangis
... bukanlah aku seorang manusia

jika aku puas dengan sepi
... bukanlah aku seorang manusia

jika aku sentiasa mengerti
... bukanlah aku seorang manusia

jika aku sentiasa penyabar
... bukanlah aku seorang manusia

jika aku tidak berusaha
... bukanlah aku seorang manusia

jika aku tidak berharap
... bukanlah aku seorang manusia

jika aku sentiasa 'ok'
... bukanlah aku seorang manusia

jika takdir tidak menemukan kita
... manusia bagaimanakah aku?

jika takdir tidak menjodohkan kita
... manusia bagaimanakah aku?

jika aku tidak mengingatiMu
...
..
.
 gila lah aku


The dreamer©2013
~minit-minit sebelum pulang

kalau boleh ingin ku kemas bilik itu ...

kalau boleh ...

kalau boleh ingin ku kemas bilik itu
bilik yang utama tetapi tidak seumpama nama

kalau boleh ingin ku kemas timbunan itu
kertas-kertas boleh diguna semula

kalau boleh ingin ku kemas fail-fail itu
menimbun menyemak di atas meja
seolah tiada tempat simpanannya

kalau boleh ingin ku syarahi pemiliknya
kalau boleh aku fahami sikapnya
tidak teraturkah?
tidak pedulikah?
tidak tahukah?

kalau boleh aku tahan kegeramanku
melihat bilik yang tidak tersusun
kalau boleh ingin ku kemas bilik itu
kalau boleh
kalau boleh ...


The dreamer©2013
pmtwu, 11.30pg

my sweet memory

memorabilia ....

they are part of your past that accompany you for as long as they exist, for as long as you keep them. they are a piece of your history, a page of your diary, a collection of good moments that are too good to be forgotten. they are something that you don't want to leave behind and the ones that you want to carry on to the future.

today i had scavenged some boxes in my house and found a number of trinkets, souvenirs and some other stuff from the past that i have been keeping all this time. they comprises anything that you can think of; photos, key chains, badges, pins, postcards, photos, birthday cards, love letters, foreign money, coins et cetera, et cetera ... that came to my possession from all that happened in the timeline of my life from school till the recent years. the events that i had experienced, the places i went, the people i met, all of the memories came back to me. sweet.

the thing about memories, you don't want to be too obsessed with them, in other words, getting stuck in the past. sometimes you miss the old times so much that you neglect the present and lose interest for the future. especially if you are not happy with your present situation.

memories, are for you to keep and remember for old time's sake. memories are for you to look back once in a while to get back the spirit to continue living in the present. memories, are for you to remember who you used to be, who you are and who you want to be.