the new year dilemma

Esok dah nak keje balik. Blank. Blur. Selepas 5 hari bersuka ria tak buat apa-apa. Truth be told I'm not that excited to go back to work. I know it's not a good feeling but I can't do anything about it. I can't tell my heart to not feel what I'm feeling. My job is good. I am good. I'm not sure why I always find it difficult to insert happiness in that job + I equation. There's a few things in my new year resolution, and when I read 'em back, none of 'em include anything about work. Yeah, in my heart I know that I want to do my job better this year but that's just because I know it is something expected of me by my boss and my colleagues. I know I can't just slack myself intentionally because it will affect my colleagues, our tasks are connected with each other. To get the job done, everyone has to do their part. That I know and understand good enough.

In my new year resolutions, there's no major or 'operation-change-the-world' kind of thing. They are just small things that I want to do and I want to improve in my life. Start small but it's all workable. It's a working process. I didn't make any new year resolution last year and anything before that had probably been wiped clean from the thrash bin folder of my mind. So let's start anew. 

People expects that after a decade, I would've probably be in a safe and stable condition but honestly, I don't think I am. I know where am I at this stage and I am not quite happy about it. What has passed is passed and there's nothing I can do about it. But I can surely do something about the future. And to do something about the future is to act now. The present time.

Phases in your life, it keeps changing. In my life I have found something, I have kept something, I have discarded something, I have wasted something, I have treasured something, and I have learned a lot of things. But there's more to be found, to be kept, to be discarded, to not be wasted, to be treasured and to be learned.

I met so many things that I hate but I have to tell myself that not everything that I hate is bad for me. I found things that I love but I am reminded that not everything I love is good for me. I experienced bad and good things and I know that both have taught me new lessons.

I have a physical diary that I write on almost everyday, I also write in my Facebook yet today I am compelled to write in this blog of mine that I haven't touched since many many months ago. These things also have their own phases.... or trends, as we know it. There was the time where blogging is the 'in' thing. Then we just felt lazy to write so many things, we then just put out a line or a few words in our Facebook to tell people what we feel. Then we just too lazy to write anything at all, we only put pictures in Instagram.

I don't want to say that I'm going to do this and that. When I want to do it, I'll do it. Of course, I do plan things, but I'd rather keep some at the back of my mind and when opportunity to do it arrives or whenever it feels right, I'll do it.

About my attitude towards my job, that is something I need to dwell upon. We don't always get what we want. Sometimes we just have to grab or accept the next best thing, and hope that one day, we will get what really make us happy. For the time being, my sanity and my belief in 'keberkatan' are the things that make me stay on the track. But, having no passion is definitely going to affect me in the aspects of searching and learning and becoming better at what I am expected to do.

Perhaps if certain people get tired of me, will they see what they are supposed to see? Or am I the one who are blind of my true potential?