the new year dilemma

Esok dah nak keje balik. Blank. Blur. Selepas 5 hari bersuka ria tak buat apa-apa. Truth be told I'm not that excited to go back to work. I know it's not a good feeling but I can't do anything about it. I can't tell my heart to not feel what I'm feeling. My job is good. I am good. I'm not sure why I always find it difficult to insert happiness in that job + I equation. There's a few things in my new year resolution, and when I read 'em back, none of 'em include anything about work. Yeah, in my heart I know that I want to do my job better this year but that's just because I know it is something expected of me by my boss and my colleagues. I know I can't just slack myself intentionally because it will affect my colleagues, our tasks are connected with each other. To get the job done, everyone has to do their part. That I know and understand good enough.

In my new year resolutions, there's no major or 'operation-change-the-world' kind of thing. They are just small things that I want to do and I want to improve in my life. Start small but it's all workable. It's a working process. I didn't make any new year resolution last year and anything before that had probably been wiped clean from the thrash bin folder of my mind. So let's start anew. 

People expects that after a decade, I would've probably be in a safe and stable condition but honestly, I don't think I am. I know where am I at this stage and I am not quite happy about it. What has passed is passed and there's nothing I can do about it. But I can surely do something about the future. And to do something about the future is to act now. The present time.

Phases in your life, it keeps changing. In my life I have found something, I have kept something, I have discarded something, I have wasted something, I have treasured something, and I have learned a lot of things. But there's more to be found, to be kept, to be discarded, to not be wasted, to be treasured and to be learned.

I met so many things that I hate but I have to tell myself that not everything that I hate is bad for me. I found things that I love but I am reminded that not everything I love is good for me. I experienced bad and good things and I know that both have taught me new lessons.

I have a physical diary that I write on almost everyday, I also write in my Facebook yet today I am compelled to write in this blog of mine that I haven't touched since many many months ago. These things also have their own phases.... or trends, as we know it. There was the time where blogging is the 'in' thing. Then we just felt lazy to write so many things, we then just put out a line or a few words in our Facebook to tell people what we feel. Then we just too lazy to write anything at all, we only put pictures in Instagram.

I don't want to say that I'm going to do this and that. When I want to do it, I'll do it. Of course, I do plan things, but I'd rather keep some at the back of my mind and when opportunity to do it arrives or whenever it feels right, I'll do it.

About my attitude towards my job, that is something I need to dwell upon. We don't always get what we want. Sometimes we just have to grab or accept the next best thing, and hope that one day, we will get what really make us happy. For the time being, my sanity and my belief in 'keberkatan' are the things that make me stay on the track. But, having no passion is definitely going to affect me in the aspects of searching and learning and becoming better at what I am expected to do.

Perhaps if certain people get tired of me, will they see what they are supposed to see? Or am I the one who are blind of my true potential?

randomly speaking ... boredom

 

boredom is hazardous

 

but before that, what is boredom?

why do you feel bored?

 

you will feel bored when you have nothing to do. no activity, nothing to look forward to, nothing to expect...nothing, NADA!

 

but sometimes it's not because you really don't have things to do. you may have certain tasks. you may have something that you ought to do but ...

 

you don't feel like doing it. there's a heavy feeling about it. you may not like it. you may feel that the things you have to do are not compatible with your nature that you don't really enjoy them.

 

boredom must be cured because if you leave it unattended, boredom can make you feel bad. when you mind is idle, it's easy for unworthy or kinky thoughts to creep in and your mind tends to go sideways. when you are bored, your lose motivation. when motivation is down, you won't feel happy, you don't feel highly spirited.

 

when you are not happy, there will be symptoms, depending on what actually bores you. you might not have the mood to face the day and you sleep late. you wake up late in the morning, and dreading to go to school/work. when at school/work, it's difficult for you to focus on something and wish that the day will soon pass. you may find reasons to ditch classes or work. you tend to be mindless of the rules or in other word, undisciplined.

 

with the above scenarios happening without control, you may lose sight on what's important, and you may lose yourself. plus, you may affect other people too. therefore, boredom is hazardous.

 

it takes a lot of personal effort to overcome boredom. finding the cause would be the first step and would probably be the hardest part. a strong will to change is also essential. if you don't have it, it will be only talk and no walk. fighting boredom is a challenge when the root cause is not known. seek enlightenment because maybe you lack barakah in your everyday life. return to your prayers and seek motivational materials. go get 'em!

 

randomly speaking ... diary

I was once a diarist, I mean, a person who keeps and writes in a diary. I started keeping diaries since my pre-teen years. This conservative diarist wrote everything that happened in her personal life on daily basis in those thick hardcover diaries year by year until she decided that it was enough and stopped. I guess that happened at some time before finishing her first degree. 

 

To me, writing in a diary is a huge emotional matter. Some people might just write chronologies of their day-to-day events or their monetary spending details just for keeping tracks of things. As for me, I wrote my heart out.

 

The things we write in our diaries reflect on who we are as a person and our thinking behaviour. I am not making a study out of this but I think those who keep diaries are sensitive people who thinks too much. But I can't say that people who don't keep diaries are not sensitive and not thinking too much, right? It's not right. So why do some people don't keep diaries?

 

To answer that, I ask myself why did I write before and why I stopped. I guess I have a few reasons for starting to write in diaries. First, I want to let out my feelings and thoughts about things but it's so personal so I can only do it in writing and write it somewhere relatively safe. Second, I like to document things and that include what's going on in my mind. Third, simply because I like reading, hence I like writing. So, maybe some other people do not prefer these ways and opt for a different method.

 

And so, why did I stop doing that? Well, when it's personal, there's happy stuff and sad stuff. Normally we don't get tired reading of happy stuff, do we? Reading back those parts would always make me smile. However, the sad stuff is a different story. After passing some stages in my life, I just thought that keeping sad stories in my life 'sucks'. I didn't want to be reminded of the painful feelings and sad memories anymore. I thought, I should let those parts go far away from my mind. And so I burned them.

 

Burning old diaries. Sounds dramatic to you? Hah, maybe. Can we 'delete' the unwanted parts in our life just by doing that? Of course not. But I did it because of a combination of reasons. First, I didn't want to keep things that I didn't need anymore, in this case, the reminder of unhappy things, but since they were downright personal, I also didn't want any other eyes to see it. Then, as I never stay in one place for too long, transfering thick old personal diaries became quite a fuss. So, with peace in mind, I said goodbye to all those rantings in a small fire at the lawn.

 

Since then, I never write personal stuff 'religiously'. But I guess I can never change who I am. I am that person who like to express things in writing. I found blog. I became more open. With blog I don't just write for myself, but I allow other people to read too. Now it becomes a 'contained' personal stuff, or generalized personal matter. And then it's facebook era. Believe it or not, as much as it is a social media, it is somehow a kind of diary too, depending on how a person use it. I guess I am always a diarist, now with a 'publishing' sense.

 

In the end, I guess whatever I write now, wherever and however I write it, it will be a legacy to someone who matters, someday.

   

lapar...

8.32 malam

tepu. kuyu. laporr...

lokasi: opis

dem !

dah nasib menumpang kete orang...kot tak dah lama balik rumah. jumaat ni kena jadi speaker. dah lama tak speaking-speaking. speaking malay je yob...dah nasib kena menunggu ni sempat la mendraf powerpoint. campak-campak bahan je dulu...masaknya susun aturnya kemudian. nak praktis lagi.. hadoih, sempat ke ni..macamana aku nak bercakap ni..tapi audien tak le sampai seratus pasang mata..silap-silap limaploh pun tak sampai..dan semuanya keje gomen...ok lah..citer pasal benda yg aku tau, bukannya pasal menatang SBPA tu...

SBPA..apa cerita ah..minggu depan meeting mesti boss akan explain la tu...

adoyai..sabar menunggu..kalau dah makan dan mandi, selesa nak buat keje balik, tapi kalo dah kena menunggu macam ni...terbuang masa xleh concentrate..

hujan pun dah berenti..

randomly speaking....headache

should we spell it as one word or two words?

headache vs head ache

anyway, it is a pain in the a... erm, head.. and I usually got it on a really hot day
but today is not so hot, and I am inside the house all the time.

still i got it. and coming to think about it, I've had headaches quite more than usual lately.
maybe because of the weather.
yes, blaming the weather always makes sense, isn't it?

or is it because I didn't have my usual cup of coffee in the morning?

it's throbbing, sometimes on one side, sometimes on the whole back of the head.

and my throat is feeling sore..cough cough

uhh, I guess I'll have an early night.

daa....

itsy bitsy teeny weeny thots......part two

Letih....nak fikir2 lagi
Letih....nak drive balik rumah (kalaulah aku ni superman...)
Letih....nak tengok rumah yg macam pondok bocor atap
Letih....nak buat apa2
Letih....nak bersihkan peti sejuk
Letih....nak basuh baju
Letih....dengan dot dot dot

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

....if ideas define who you are, how do you regard yourself when almost all major decisions you make in your life is based on someone else's idea?...a puppet?...a stone?...a stick?
I have no idea..