faraway love

sometimes I find myself gasping for air
and choking on words to say to you
time is running out
will I ever spend it with you

when I look into your eyes
I feel your love reverberating through my veins
warming my heart
with love, kindness and tenderness

everything happens for a reason
yet this has not stopped the pain
of having to be away
and left to face the world alone

all this time I have been strong
and I have been true
and now, I feel .... can I still continue
and wait for you?


~BSI, 221014 2337

2014

2014 is quite a different year than all the years I have lived, thank you Allah swt for still allowing me to breath and live until today. And yes, it's October, still a couple more months to go through this year, in shaa Allah ...

So, what happened in 2014?

a. It's no brainer, I got older. And I started to feel old .... but not old as makcik-makcik lah!

b. I started to feel busy with work. This is a continuation from the end of last year, where I started to have lots of outstation trips.

c. My second brother passed away in February. Al-Fatihah.

d. My first brother finally got married. Yes, there's a reason on the emphasis of the word 'finally'.

e. I got reunited with some primary school friends, after more than 2 decades of not in contact.

f. I got fatter than last year. Bummer!

g. I have lived in Sabah for almost 3 years 'only' and getting myself transferred back to the peninsula soon.

h. I have been in this long-distance-relationship for almost 6 years now, and .... still going on ... huu ...

Honestly, I haven't achieved all that I wanted to achieve by the age of 30. And I haven't been the person I would like to be, the better version of me. It's still a long way to go. Sometimes I feel clueless. But I feel braver and more positive now than before, I guess that's what aging do to my mind. I am strong. I will not break down. Allah will always be with me.

comeback

Perkara paling biasa orang buat bila dia dah lama tak menulis dalam blog dia pastu tiba-tiba mula nak tulis balik adalah .... menulis bahawa betapa lama dia tak menulis dalam blog dia dan sekarang dia nak mula balik, hahaha!

Dan, worst case scenario adalah lepas tulis macam tu, blog dia terabai lagi buat beberapa zaman pastu bila dia rasa nak menulis balik, sekali lagi dia tulis benda yang sama ... haha ...

Well, motif aku memang itulah ... nak cakap yang aktiviti menulis aku sekarang ni dah semakin berkurangan. Bila aku fikirkan balik apa sebab dia, sibukkah aku? Tak jugak, walaupun begitu memang ada masa-masanya memang aku sibuk, tapi bukannya aku tak ada masa free langsung. Dah tak berminatkah aku? Tak jugak, walaupun aku selalu je 'bermimpi' nak menulis tapi tak tulis-tulis jugak. Bukannya aku tak menjenguk blog aku langsung, adaaa .... tapi ada la beberapa kes, sudah aku tulis beberapa ayat tetapi akhirnya delete balik sebab rasa tak kena, tak jujur dan tak terfikir apa-apa ... writer's block la lebih kurang. Tapi yang nyatanya, aku tak ada INSPIRASI.

Hidup ini dah seakan menjadi satu garisan monotone yang membosankan. 

Apapun, ini tidak boleh dibiarkan. Jangan biarkan kebosanan meracuni cara kita menjalani kehidupan kita. Inspirasi harus dicari. Ia nadi hidup, ia membuatkan jantung kita berdegup untuk sesuatu makna. Apakah aku akan konsisten menulis selepas ini? Aku tidak tahu. Tapi yang pasti, aku harus sentiasa cuba mengasah minda ku yang terasa sejak akhir-akhirnya semakin kelu dan tumpul.

So, yes ... congratulations to myself for able to post this one up! Sebelum itu, aku dah tukar URL blog ni daripada 2010rantings.blogspot.com kepada dreamermuse.blogspot.com. Namun lepas menggodek-godek setting, aku dapati aku dah hilang senarai blog-blog kawan-kawan yang aku ikuti sebelum ini. Dah satu kerja nak cari balik dan list balik. Ok, takpelah ... pelan-pelan mula balik.

So again, .... congratulations to myself!

just dreams ...

ohh, how nice it will be if i can .....


roll myself in the meadows on the mountain sides ... (and perhaps singing the sound of music ...)

marvel at the volcanoes .... (dormant ones, of course .... )

enjoy a  romantic dinner with my beloved ...

hmmm.... sweet dreams, dreamer ...

(all images thanks to google)

sahabat

terima kasih sahabat, kerana sudi menerima aku seadanya
terima kasih sahabat, kerana mendengar setiap keluhanku
terima kasih sahabat, kerana menasihatiku bila aku khilaf
terima kasih sahabat, kerana merinduiku bila berjauhan
terima kasih sahabat, kerana membantuku bila aku memerlukan
terima kasih sahabat, kerana mendoakan yang baik-baik untukku

terima kasih Allah, kerana menjadikan kau sahabatku


~ PMTWU, 4.35 ptg
the dreamer

Reflections

biarlah tidak ramai yang mengingati,
kerana aku jua tidak mampu menjaga hati kalian
biarlah tidak ramai yang menghargai,
kerana aku tahu siapa di antara mu yang budiman
kenangan itu biarlah kenangan,
kenyataan itu harus berdepan

malu itu tabir iman
kurangkan berlisan perkara picisan
pesanku pada teman
dalam redha Ilahi kita jalinkan hubungan



~BSI, 8.47 mlm  
the dreamer

remembering my brother

In two weeks time, it will be 3 months since the passing away of my second brother. It occurred to me today that I have not really analysed my feelings about it. I mean, about his demise, about him being no longer in this world. I do not know how deep it has affected my other family members. We were saddened by it, of course, but I couldn't fathom what's going on in the minds of my parents, my siblings and my nephews. I thought, I would be fine and I would get over it easily. We weren't so close as anybody would think siblings should be. So many things had happened in his life that made it difficult sometimes to be close. But the fact that there's the feeling of sadness and tears brimming in my eyes every time I think of him shows that this brother-sister emotional connection would always be in here, in my heart. No matter how distant we were before.

The sadness I have for his death is as deep as the sadness I have for his life. Thinking about him now, there's always reflections of his life and I really wished that it was a happier one. He's gone before he could see his kids being successful in life. He's gone before he could get a strong foothold in life. He didn't leave much material things, but what he did leave are the lessons in life.

I don't have a lot of memories with him but very few ones from my childhood. With the age difference of 14 years, we were pretty much in different leagues. When I was still a little girl dwelling with schools and homeworks, he was already married and raising children (he got married young). I was such a cry baby. I remembered one day I was crying alone in my room for reasons that I don't remember any more (but I'm sure it was just a petty thing) and he had comforted me. Other than that there's nothing else and what's left are the old photographs that recorded the happy moments that I could no longer remember.

He was a kind and gentle person. But bad things could happen to a person indiscriminately. Those are all in the will of Allah swt for all the right reasons and for us to ponder. How we choose to live also affects the lives of the others around us. I know that my mother knows a lot more. Because he was her son and a mom could never stop caring for her children no matter how they were. Mom was his confidante. And mom had cared for him since the day he fell ill and bedridden until the last of his breath. And even now, mom still talks about him, about his favourite drinks, about his caring nature for cats, about this and about that .... I understand it. It's not that she can't accept the fact, but because a mother can never forget her son, and that she would always want to keep the fond memories of her son.

Maybe I am still grieving inside, but no one can see. My brother's business with this world has ended, and it chills my bones to think of what will happen afterwards, for we do not know whether we will be ready when it is our time to go....

Angah, I wish your sons could learn the lessons you left with your life ...

AlFatihah 

day 104

I am like a broken typewriter. Or like a wizard who is losing his magical touch. I wrote and wrote but nothing came through. Nothing is finished, nothing is realized.

I haven't completed a single article or journal since the last one since a few months ago. Since then, a lot of things happened. Sad and happy things. Well, mostly sad things.

During those events, I revisited my memories and innermost feelings. It's like opening up a 'hurt locker'. God knows whatever that has been stored there all these years.

I wonder if there is a difference between a fighter and a survivor.... Sometimes I think a fighter IS a survivor, but a survivor does not necessarily means he's a fighter.

When things go south, and somehow .... many things go south these days, I always broke down and cried. But afterwards I would stand up again, but without a smile. It's like adding one layer of bubble wrappers after another around a fragile package, that keeps bursting and popping when pressured.

Finding the answers, and keeping the faith intact is a lifelong quest. And so it is with fighting demons inside the soul.

And where have I gone so far?