Kau dan aku 2...

I am feeling like a train wreck because of a revelation. A life's experience is the true teacher to those who experienced it. I heard the words "redha", "hikmah" and "ketentuan Ilahi" a lot. I used them, a lot. I thought I knew the meaning. Literally, of course. But never I imagine the true meaning of those words and the powerful emotion they bring.

I have a friend who had her life journey so profoundly...life changing. People talking, they don't know anything. I, also don't know much. But knowing her, I knew that she knew what she had gotten herself into. Sometimes, explanation is unnecessary. Just faith, a strong conscious and integrity. And belief, believing that there are reasons for everything, and Allah swt knows it all. I never had an inkling of doubt of her, I never did. I am happy if she's happy. When she was tested, and God tested her hard, my heart went for her. I couldn't reach her, and she didn't want to be reached. But my heart is always with her, and so do my prayers.

Finally seeing her again, hearing what she said, the revelations were stunning, and it touched my heart and my soul. I feel sorry for what had happened, but...one thing led to another, and I had been thinking that her previous adventure, are forming the base where her feet could land now, in the present. Allah is Most Gracious, and will not test us if we are not up to it.

It seems difficult to define exactly where does this train wreck feeling come from. It is a mixed feelings of sadness, feeling down, and feel so little. I was thinking that if I had the same experience as her, how would I take it? Would I have the strength? Would I stay sane? Sincerely, I don't know. Her journey had made her see things differently, her insights are through her heart and mind, while mine is only the eyes.

While we have our own journey set in front of us, while we have our demons to battle, while we have the raging war inside us...we cannot stop ourselves from trying to understand what is meant for us to understand, to learn what is meant to learn. A day full of good deeds and improvements followed by a day of broken rules just cancel out each other. What a waste. This is my test. And this is my battle to be won.

A meeting of old friends turned into a heart-touching revelation. It felt suffocating a little, maybe I wasn't ready. But it had impacted me. Pulling myself together, is what I am doing. May I have the strength...