pit stop

Some people, like me, wonder what's going on in their life, when some things that they've learned or do before could only affect or work in their lives temporarily. Maybe my words are kind of jumbled but I hope it is understood here that what I am actually feeling now is that I have been through a lot of ' touch and go' along the way. I have a wide range of interest, but more of an observer or spectator rather than the practical doer. Some things that I have actually tried, even though I really like it, I haven't been doing it consistently. Or, I haven't been able to do it.

Lately, there has been something lurking from within the depths of my soul. Something that tells me that I haven't been doing anything 'real'. I feel like I am more like a 'use when needed' tool rather than a constantly working machine. Well, not that I would like to be a machine, but someone with a real use, and someone who's using her real ability to support and enjoy her life. Not someone who is just filling up an empty position.

With those two paragraphs above, I'm just trying to form the mixed thoughts inside into something comprehensive and to tell myself that I want something that I can 'touch and stay'. Being in focus is one of the problems that I need to work out. The means for life sustenance, freedom of debts ... those are also the things to be secured when trying to change a life.

What has already happened can't be changed. There's always a reason for those things to happen, and there's always something to learn. I'm trying to be happy with all of this. And while enduring this, I wish for the strength to always working my way to a more fulfilling life.